Plus-One
by FunkyWashingMachine
Summary: Keith gets ditched at a wedding and becomes Lance's fake boyfriend. Inspired by blueconstellation on AO3
1. Chapter 1

He swore he would never take a piss again.

By the time he got back, Shiro was gone. And he knew it wasn't an "up for a moment for a drink" kind of gone.

Keith had been afraid it would come to this. He took back his place at the table and tried not to make eye contact.

He could feel what everyone's faces were saying, "You know your friend left, right, who are you again?"

But he couldn't ask anyone where Shiro had gone. Well, he could, but he wasn't going to.

When the text finally came, he already knew what it was going to say.

 _Got called in to work, pick you up after. Sorry._

That was IF Shiro got out of work before this godawful reception was over. Keith didn't even know what the fuck town this was, but if it had been within walking distance, he'd have left ages ago.

Fuck social events.

Did people have to be so loud when they talked about stupid shit? He wished Shiro was here to talk about stupid shit, Shiro was so good at distracting people. It came with the job, you had to be good at talking about stupid shit when it was the only thing keeping people sane while you pulled them out of a twisted car. Keith vaguely wondered what sort of car-twisting Shiro was dealing with now.

He could sense the judgement in people's eyes as he reached for a crab puff and pretended like he wasn't eating a stranger's food.

No one else had looked at the twisted car that was Keith's life and decided there was anybody worth saving inside. It was just more apparent when he was alone.

"Here."

He looked up.

It was the old sack of a woman sitting beside him. She was handing him a drink.

Well. Shiro wasn't here to say no. Keith took it.

"You're at MY table and I don't let little whippersnappers sit around looking so sad," the granny said. Keith sipped the drink.

"You know what *I* would be doing right now if I was your age?" she asked. Keith hoped that was rhetorical. "I would be losing my panties to all these handsome boys around here. I was a pretty talented panty-loser back in my day."

Keith knocked back the drink and tried to imagine he hadn't just heard that.

"Oh, a novice," Grandma noted, handing Keith another glass of liquor. Probably hers, judging by the crusted lipstick on the rim. "Loosen up, my boy, it doesn't do a young face to look so sour!"

Keith tried not to grimace as he took the new glass. Only now did he notice how many others Grandma had in front of her.

"Yep, you wouldn't BELIEVE the shenanigans me and my panties got into when I was young and beautiful like you. There was a time when…"

Suddenly the smudge on the glass didn't seem so terrible next to this. He steeled himself and tried to swallow enough to survive.

By the time Grandma started talking about rug beaters, Keith was done.

"I have to go."

He didn't know where. The world began sloshing as he tried to walk.

Find some place to text Shiro. Maybe bitch about Grandma. Or just do something to look busy and not have to listen to the panties.

God, it was getting so hot in here. He popped open a button with a curse to fancy dress.

"Hi," someone said, making him look up. "Are you one of Andrew's friends?"

It took him a second to focus on whoever was speaking. Some girl in a white dress… shit, she was the bride.

She was leaning against a man in black, but hell, it was a wedding, that could have been ANYONE.

"Oh. So this guy must be Andrew," Keith said foggily.

The bride was giggling a bit and it felt like flint scraping over tinder.

"Did you come here with someone?" she asked.

Of course he came here with someone, lacey dipshit, he came here with someone who never had the time to stay with him and who probably had better things to do than be friends with people like YOU.

Keith hiccupped.

"Honestly, I don't even know who you guys are, and I really don't want to be here right now."

The couple looked a little less happy.

"Okay, seriously, who invited you?"

Keith felt an arm clap around his shoulders.

"I did. He's my plus-one."

He looked to the right. It wasn't Shiro, it wasn't anybody that he knew.

"Don't mind him, he's a little…" the boy motioned. Long as Shiro didn't find out…

Keith waited for the newlyweds to go away, but they didn't. The boy was dragging HIM away instead.

"You gotta be more careful, man," the boy hissed. "Drink any water lately?"

Keith started to shake his head but it just made him dizzy. Before he could give an actual response, an older man appeared beside them.

"Lance, son," the man put his hand on the other boy's shoulder, "You have a boyfriend and you didn't even tell us?"

The boy turned red.

"Oh, yeah, about that…"

"And you're telling Virginia about him before US? Is that what's going on?"

"Uh, actually…"

"No, son, it's okay, you don't have to hide it anymore. I just want to say… if we made you feel like you couldn't come out to us for all those years, we were terrible parents and we're SO sorry."

The boy – Lance? – let go of Keith and put up his hands.

"No, really, Papi, it's okay, please stop crying..."

The man turned to Keith.

"I want to personally apologize for failing you and my son," he sniffled. "I can see you're a lovely boy and I'm sorry that I made him too uncomfortable to talk about you."

Maybe Keith wasn't the only drunk one around here.

The man turned around when a girl touched his arm.

"Papi, why are you crying? Is everything okay?"

The man began to blubber.

"Lance has a boyfriend and didn't tell us!"

"A boyfriend?" She looked at Keith. "YOU?"

If he weren't so buzzed he'd have felt insulted.

The girl looked smugly at Lance.

"I thought you said you couldn't get laid."

"Aaaaaaaaaaahaha, no way, when did I say THAT?" the boy tittered, redder than before.

"Mami!" called the girl. "You have to come meet Lance's boyfriend!"

A woman rose from a table and came over to them.

Fucking god. Was this really happening, or was he just floating around some weird dream?

"Why didn't you tell us about your boyfriend?" the woman asked her son.

"Oh, you know, we just wanted to keep it on the down-low…" the boy trailed off.

"Well, now that we've finally met him, you should bring him to our house for supper sometime." Then she turned to Keith. "How about it, ah… What's your boyfriend's name?"

She was looking at her son again, Keith didn't have to say anything. But then he got elbowed in the ribs.

"Keith," he said. He looked over at the sheepishly-grinning boy. "What's THIS guy's name, again?"

"That's just his hilarious sense of humor," the boy said nervously. "He wouldn't forget his darling boyfriend LANCE's name…"

"Yeah, no, that sticks in the head like a frikkin' nail gun."

Shiro had told him about some nail gun accident like that.

Lance's family looked at him like they didn't think nail guns accidents were polite conversation.

"Isn't he so funny?" Lance grinned tentatively.

"That's ONE word for it…" said the girl who had to be his sister.

"Um, anyway, how does Thursday sound?" Lance's mother asked. It took Keith a moment to realize she was asking HIM.

"Oh. Uh…" he glanced at his fake boyfriend and saw a nod. "Yeah, Thursday, great."

Thursday was not great.

"All right! We'll see you then. Dinner starts at seven."

Keith tried to step away but it didn't go so well. His fake boyfriend caught him.

"Ah, look at that, he's such a romantic, you've all got him swooning over this! Lemme go… take him to a fainting couch."

Keith let Lance lead him away.

"Seriously, drink some water," Lance said, picking a glass off a table. It might have been someone's but at least it didn't have lipstick on it.

Keith sipped at the water and tried to think of a way to call off Thursday. These people weren't THAT serious, were they? Lance sure wasn't, he was doing that thing you do when you feel bad for someone, like they're a lost puppy that you think is CUTE but not the fuckable kind of cute. You know. Like the way Shiro felt about him.

"You enjoying the party?" Lance asked benignly, only something about it didn't seem very benign at all.

"No," Keith said.

"Well, would you care for a dance with your handsome boyfriend?"

"I don't have a boyfriend."

Lance sighed.

"I know, minor change of plans. I didn't think we'd get CAUGHT like that, I just didn't want you to get kicked out. But, you're not even having fun anyway?"

"I don't know anybody here and my ride left me and I kind of hate parties."

"Oh. Yeah, that's rough," Lance said. Then he leaned in. Keith felt all warm, must have been the drink. "Are you wearing lipstick?"

"That's your grandmother's."

Lance laughed.

"I don't think I even want to know."

Lance seemed like a nice enough boy. But that didn't matter, he would give up eventually. It happened that way a lot, people would come to Keith friendly, realize what a twisted piece of metal he was, and then leave. It wasn't that he never tried. Or that he didn't want more than that. But the repeated failures were wearing on him, and in the end it was just healthier for him not to risk it.

"Well, if you're not having fun and it's all the same to you," Lance said, "You really don't have a reason not to dance with me."

Maybe if Keith were sober he'd have questioned that logic. But he wasn't, and right now it made a strange amount of sense.

"Sure, all right, then," he said. He thought Lance looked at least a little bit surprised.

"As your FAKE boyfriend, of course," Lance added as he put out a hand.

"Yeah, obviously."

It was a slow dance, Keith would have died if it wasn't. He wondered if anyone would tell Shiro about this… but how many of them knew he came with Shiro, probably none of them. Or all of them. Either way.

He was already warm from the drink, his cheeks must have been so red, the world was too wobbly to tell if the other boy was a good dancer. It really had to have been the alcohol that made this not suck, because it definitely would have been intolerable without it.

Something smelled kind of nice. Was that coming off of Lance? He leaned in before he could stop himself.

Someone thumped him on the back, and he jumped.

"Go get him, tiger!"

Grandma.

"Jeez! Don't do that!" Keith said, but Grandma was already walking away. Then he saw Lance holding a hand to his cheek.

"Did I just hit you in the face?"

"Yeah, kinda."

He put a hand over Lance's.

"I am SO sorry. I promise I wouldn't do that if I wasn't your boyfriend."

Lance laughed.

"Don't worry about it, tiger."

Maybe Lance WASN'T a bad dancer, it really was impossible to tell but it was clear he was the only reason they were both standing. Dang. He must have thought Keith was naturally terrible at this, alcohol or no. Keith didn't know why that bothered him.

Was that Lance's family over there watching? They must have thought he was a terrible dancer, too. A terrible dancer and a terrible boyfriend.

"I think they're watching," Keith said.

Lance came close and whispered in his ear.

"How good of an actor are you?"

Keith shivered.

"…what?"

"Welp, we're gonna find out."

Lance kissed him.

It must have been the drink that made Keith pull him in. It must have been the drink that made him kiss back.

In the end, Lance looked more out of breath than HE was.

"Not so bad an actor after all," Lance said quietly, smoothing a strand of Keith's hair. Keith was surprised by how little he minded that. Definitely the drink.

"So, my friend, what are your digits?"

"Hmm?"

He probably needed more water.

"Phone number."

Oh. Right.

"Uh, 817…"

"In here, you doofus," Lance handed him a phone. His hands were just kind of not doing the thing, though.

"Man, fuck this shit…"

"Never mind," Lance laughed. "Just give me your phone."

Keith wasn't really a "give you my phone" type of person, but it just seemed like too much effort to argue.

Lance handed it back with a new contact called "Your Boyfriend."

"Text me your number?"

Keith texted him the letter Q.

"Awesome," Lance winked. "See you Thursday."


	2. Chapter 2

"Keith? What's wrong?"

Keith looked up and groaned.

"I… might have gotten into a bit of trouble recently."

Shiro sat down.

"What's going on?"

Keith fumbled a moment for his words. There was hopefully a way to talk about this without saying "I got plastered at the wedding."

"Do you know a kid named Lance McClain?" he said at last.

"Hmm. Rings a bell," Shiro said.

"Well I sort of got invited to his house for dinner."

"Oh, is it a date?" Shiro asked.

"No!" Keith reflexively snapped. "Well. Sort of."

Shiro got an amused look.

"Sort of?"

"I mean it's not REALLY a date but it has to look like one. We… somehow ended up becoming fake boyfriends."

"At the wedding? Well, I'm glad you still had a good time after I left."

"No! I DIDN'T!" Keith insisted. "I don't even KNOW this guy!"

"Well, you can just tell him to call it off," Shiro said.

"No, I can't. I kinda owe him one."

"Why, what did he do?"

"Ugh. Nothing."

"Keith. I know that's a lie."

"Yes it's a lie because I don't want you to be mad at me."

"Chances are I'll only be disappointed."

Which also sucked but hey.

"Fine. I got shitfaced."

Shiro sighed.

"I should have known Mrs. Fredrickson would offer you something."

"Well what was *I* supposed to do when you left? You know I hate parties."

"And I'm proud that you went out of your comfort zone to be there. Even if it didn't go so well."

Keith smiled a little. Making Shiro proud always did that to him.

"But now I'm stuck going to this guy's house on Thursday."

"Did you tell him you're busy on Thursdays?"

"No."

That was one conversation he didn't feel like having. As was bailing on the date altogether. Sometimes problems just went away if you let them take their course.

"What about AFTER Thursday?" Shiro asked. "What happens then?"

"I don't know! We fake break up or something!"

"Well maybe you should ask him about it."

"I did. He said, 'we'll see.'"

Shiro chuckled. Keith didn't like that.

"So. Is this formal? Informal?"

"I don't know," Keith put his hands up. "What do people USUALLY do when their date brings them home?"

"Well it depends on the people," Shiro said, heading for the closet. "Maybe semi-formal just to be safe?"

"God, I feel like an idiot either way."

"You'll get through this, it'll be okay."

"His whole fucking family is going to talk to me," Keith followed him.

"Well, not bad for a first date," Shiro thumped him on the shoulder.

"Oh my god, Shiro, it's not a date."

"Yeah, I know," Shiro said. He pulled a red tie out of the closet and held it up to Keith.

"Hmm. Not your color."

"This must be why I can't get a REAL date, because I need YOU to dress me."

Shiro smiled and held up another tie.

"Where would you be without me?"

"You know the answer to that," Keith scoffed.

Shiro pulled out a few more ties and laid them down.

"And if it wasn't for YOU, I'd have all these for nothing."

Keith snorted a bit. One of his jobs was designated tie-tier.

"You know I think it IS legal to be seen in the same tie more than once."

"Sure, but why risk it?" Shiro grinned. He pinned a deep purple tie up to Keith. "Oh, THAT'S the one! Doesn't wash you out like pure black does."

"Does it really?"

"A little bit."

"Well you could have told me that before the wedding, then."

Shiro shrugged.

"Who was I to stifle your choices?"

"But you're picking my tie NOW."

"Well isn't this a bit more important?"

"IS it?"

"You're the guest of honor, aren't you?"

Keith tensed. It sounded so much scarier when Shiro put it that way.

"I don't think I can do this," he said.

"Maybe it'll help if you have something ready to say."

"Like what?"

"Like 'you look nice tonight, where did you get that?'"

"Okay, so I'll ask them things I don't give a shit about, got it."

"Exactly. They might not ask YOU as many questions if they're always fielding YOURS."

God. Was this how Shiro always dealt with people? It sounded exhausting.

"So is he cute?" Shiro asked.

Keith nearly jumped.

"What?"

Shiro shrugged.

"Just wondering."

Keith felt his face getting hot.

"I mean… I guess. Oh, wait, he texted me a picture."

Keith pulled up the selfie.

"Wow. That's quite a picture," Shiro mused.

"Yeah, well, he's only my FAKE boyfriend, don't judge me."

"Did you send him any back?"

"What? Of course not."

"Well maybe it'll help the cover story if you do."

"Oh my god. I don't DO selfies."

"Just tell him you're picking out your tie and you want his opinion. Send him pictures of THAT."

"But we've already picked my tie."

"They don't need to know that. And who knows, maybe he doesn't like purple."

Keith grumbled and put on the first tie he found.

"I'm only doing this for you, Shiro," he said as he took a disgruntled selfie.

He was about to send it with the caption "my life coach says I should send you a picture," but Shiro stopped him.

"Keith, if he shows that to someone they'll know it's a prank."

"Why would he even be showing this to people?"

"Well, you showed me HIS picture."

Keith sighed and changed the caption to "help me pick out a tie."

"Is this how YOU flirt with people? Asking for their opinion on your ties?"

"No," Shiro grinned. "I ask them to tie it."

Well. People besides HIM. They'd already been over that.

"That's… pretty good game, actually."

"I'm a little insulted that you're so surprised."

"Do you ever get someone who CAN'T tie a tie?"

"Yes and we've been together for months."

Keith snorted.

"I should have figured."

He'd SEEN that kid's ties.

Pulling off the first one, he picked out another of a drastically different color and put it on.

He really hated taking selfies. He didn't really like looking at himself.

"See if he likes this one," Shiro handed Keith the purple tie.

"I thought two was enough," Keith grumbled, putting it on anyway.

"Well, maybe he'll guess right," Shiro winked.

"I didn't know you were such a fashionista."

"I'm just not going to let someone I love wear the wrong tie to a first date."

"I don't think most people even have very strong opinions about them," Keith complained.

Just then, his phone pinged with a text.

It was Lance, with some very strong opinions about them.


	3. Chapter 3

There was a knock at the door. Keith sighed.

"I guess that's him."

"You sure you want to do this?" Shiro said.

"Of course I don't, but I'm gonna."

"Is this your first date?"

"Oh my god Shiro it's not a date."

"All right, all right."

Shiro opened the door.

"Hi," he said. "You must be Lance. I've heard quite a lot about you."

Lance was holding a bunch of flowers.

"Wait, really? What have you heard?"

Shiro beckoned him inside.

"That you're a very nice boy who helped my friend here out of a tough situation."

Keith blushed, just a little.

"Hey, it was nothing," Lance said. "Just the chivalrous thing to do."

This was not helping.

Shiro put his hand out.

"I'm Shiro."

Lance took it.

"Uhh… hi."

"It won't bite you," Shiro laughed.

"Right. Sorry."

"It's fine."

"So, who is this guy?" Lance asked Keith. "You never told me about him."

"We're just roommates," Shiro waved.

 _Just_ roommates.

"That's not true," Keith said. "You're my best friend."

"Well," Lance pulled a flower out of the bouquet, "I suppose the best friend of my fake boyfriend deserves one of _these_."

Shiro chuckled as he accepted it.

"You'd better be good to him, Keith. He's a keeper."

"Shiro…" Keith muttered. "You don't have to do that."

"So, what do you think?" Lance asked. "Did I get you these flowers, or did you get _me_ these flowers?"

"Uh… what?"

"I mean, what would you rather tell my parents?"

"Oh."

They would probably like him more if they thought he was the one to buy Lance flowers.

"Let's say I got _you_ the flowers."

On the other hand, if Lance's family liked him, it might be harder to break up with him later.

No winning here. Fuck everything.

"Why, thank you, they're beautiful," Lance said. "Just what I would have picked out for YOU."

"Well. You know. It's just the chivalrous thing to do."

Lance clapped him on the back. He wasn't ready for that.

"I wouldn't expect anything less from my pretend boyfriend!"

Shiro nodded, smiling.

"I wouldn't expect anything less from your pretend boyfriend, either."

Did he really have to do that?

"So, best friend roommates," Lance said. "Where do you guys know each other from?"

Jesus. Personal shit, that.

"Uh… I don't want to talk about that."

"Sure, gotcha," Lance said. "Though, if it makes you feel any better, my family's probably gonna tell you a _bunch_ of embarrassing stories about ME."

That did not make him feel better. That just made him feel more in debt.

"Hey, I thought we said the BLUE tie!"

"Hmm?" Keith looked down. "Oh. That one got vetoed."

"Dang," Lance said. "At least it's still better than black. Makes you look like you're attending a funeral, as the BODY."

"Why is it that everybody has something to say about that?"

"Because we all know you deserve to be at your maximum attractiveness," Lance said. "Especially when you're MY fake boyfriend. So, my charming date, shall we go?"

Keith regretfully stepped out as Lance held the door.

Shiro waved at them as they left.

Keith really didn't like that look he had on.


End file.
